My Other Blog Is A Mercedes

He infiltrated my world leaving a wreckage of destruction, secrets, and a lifetime of nightmares. As I reach for the beam of hope, I'm haunted by the cold shackles bound to my wrists.  It's not the weight of him that holds me down, but the heaviness of never being able to forget, never able to forgive. Surrounded by his lurking ghost, stricken with fear of trusting intimacy again.

Before the day turns into night and you're fast asleep ----theres something you need to know. You are anything but simple. Lips, small and soft-- guarding the gateway of your soul --The blur between stubborn and passionate, You are anything but simple. Insatiable hunger for adventure. You may be anything but simple, but choosing to love you is.

I hope you never read this.  The embarrassment is making me anxious already, opening myself up in a different way than in our sessions. (Ive typed a few sentences and erased them each time. )  Something I want to work on, is complimenting quicker than I judge. That falls true when I'm taking to myself as well. A part of complimenting myself and the progress I've made over the past year, must call attention to the work you've done.   I was caught in a riptide of self sabotage because I didn't feel worth anything better. Take what I was given, and be thankful for even that. Although I allowed years of emotional abuse, you've given me the tools to unlearn my identity. With that confidence, I dyed my hair blue, got multiple nose piercings, and now have the most real relationship I've ever had, with a woman who sees me and supports who I WANT to be.  There were many times you'd ask me a question, and I couldn't hide my thoughts even if I tried. You taught me ...

Resolution:  noun:  a firm decision to do or not to do something.   Oh great, I have to make a decision. Let alone, a firm decision. With the turn of the new year, it's time to reflect over the past 365 days. Did I reach my goal of more time outside, less worrying, save money, live healthier. Honestly, I met none of those. Stack the pandemic upon change in routine and you'll get one anxious, passive 30some year old who's on the brink of burnout. So the tiring old saying, "new year, new me," rings through my mind.  Maybe I can start with being firm. Oh goddess, if the universe would give me the strength to be firm on anything, I'd be grateful, count that as a win for the year. This is coming from the brain of someone that gets anxious sending back an incorrect dish at a restaurant, or simply picking the dinner spot. Time to give myself more credit, hell, lets start here. If I need to fake ...

Patriarchy consumed the land that was once her sacred lair. So as the years past, Queen rebuilt her castle; not in power but in protection. She knew no better way to guard Little Prince; for as much as King cut her down, Queen had to build towers high enough that only the bravest of knights would have to be daring enough to disassemble it brick by brick. She basked in the garden beside her beloved roses, as Little Prince chased a canary. For once, her majesty was free from King's wretched terror and her crown never felt more deserved.

February 23, 2015 ... since the first bite, your love was a venom that ripped through my veins. Addicted to the pain and frustration, I watched as your poison burrowed into the tiny cracks of my life. It seeped into my home, causing anger and misery yet I refused to suck out the venom. The aftermath is almost as horrific as the first bite. Time doesn't heal these sort of wounds so I'm left in agony without a remedy...

Sunday, December 14, 2014 As I fall in love, my every thought and emotion is focused on the bliss of her attention.  She peers up from her laptop and I politely smile and blush in hopes she didn't notice me taking in her beauty nor read the look of admiration on my face. Sneaking in a glance, studying the intricate features of her face and the soft lines around her mouth is how I spend my hours in the coffee shop. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than next to her...The one girl who could ruin you for all of eternity. "Settle down," I tell my heart as its fluttering like a hummingbird. My lips nervously mutter the three little words I've been aching to say all day-- its like word vomit. No matter how hard I try to hold them up, she's breaking down the walls I've build up from the hurt of past lovers. Doubt and insecurity play off my fears while the vulnerability of a new relationship wears me out. This dreary December evening is drawing to an en...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014 I thought I had a monotonous lifestyle. It caused me to act like a child...Seeking adventure in all the wrong places, trusting people who don't have my best interest in mind and forgetting who I set out to become. For fear that I would lose my sense of 'self,' I kept making childish decisions--i wasn't ready to be an adult. What would come along with change? Could I still be...me? Would the meds dull my sense so much I'd forget what real joy felt like without it being chemically produced? Change is frightening.... well no shit. Does the caterpillar cease to exist because its not ready to become a butterfly? No, that damn worm chops through the apple, two pears, three plums.. etc ..until he gets a belly ache, makes a little cocoon and evolves. There comes a time in everyone's life when we must stop acting childish, put away our childish toys and evolve as well. My metamorphic journey should have begun a long time ago. Here...

Monday, June 30, 2014 I've rehearsed my lines. Words written on my heart are anticipating to be heard. Lyrics sing a sweet sorrowful tune. My audience thinks they've heard it all before though, same song and dance. Tired of the same bullshit, the crowd stops listening, attending the show and soon they'll forget my songs. But I've rehearsed my lines. Searching for a ear to listen, I plea with just one to hear me. "Take a deep breath" I tell myself. Filling my lungs, expanding my ribs, taking in new life and I pray for an audience as I close my eyes tight. As I exhale, I see him there. Maybe he hasn't given up on my songs- maybe he'll hear one more & see its more than a sorrowful tune. My beautiful audience of one feels like a sold out show. Here I stand. Unable to mutter a worthy syllable